So you don’t like natural wine?
I sense your pain, and I am here for you. Here to help.
I can understand how distressing it must be to see other people enjoying wines that you don’t like. It is imperative that you take every chance to tell them that they are simply wrong. They may not listen, but there’s a slender chance, if you repeat yourself often, that the message will get through.
Don’t waste too much time, though, researching or fact checking any articles you might write. Who really cares about details, such as which natural wine fair came first?
It’s clearly a fringe movement of lunatics. Like a religious cult. You have been wise not to try too many of the wines. You only really need to try half a dozen or so to realise that this niche movement of, say 1000 producers globally, are all making bad wines. Besides, most of your friends are of the same opinion. So you are definitely in the right.
I certainly understand how upsetting these fairs must be for you. All those bad wines! So many of them! I know you haven’t been to any, and I strongly recommend that you don’t bother. It would distress you greatly to see so many young people attending, and enjoying the wines. After all, a few years ago you predicted that natural wine was on the way out. Just a fad.
And, now, these faulty, despicable wines made by fraudsters who have no knowledge of proper winemaking, are more popular than ever. It sickens me to think of so many people having fun drinking wines that you and I don’t like, and don’t approve of.
I know how alarming this is. People who simply don’t get that these wines aren’t proper. I’ve seen your blood pressure rise when you’ve visited the cellar of a producer who you considered sound, only to see a concrete egg or an amphora or two hiding in the corner, and then they start telling you about a skin-contact white that they’ve made. All this corrupt winemaking must be stopped!
You must promise me that you’ll keep on writing these articles telling the world about how bad natural wine is, and how it’s wrong for people to like wines that you don’t approve of. I’m here to support you. It’s all going to be OK.