So you don't like natural wine? I sense your pain, and I am here for you

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So you don’t like natural wine?

I sense your pain, and I am here for you. Here to help.

I can understand how distressing it must be to see other people enjoying wines that you don’t like. It is imperative that you take every chance to tell them that they are simply wrong. They may not listen, but there’s a slender chance, if you repeat yourself often, that the message will get through.

Don’t waste too much time, though, researching or fact checking any articles you might write. Who really cares about details, such as which natural wine fair came first?

It’s clearly a fringe movement of lunatics. Like a religious cult. You have been wise not to try too many of the wines. You only really need to try half a dozen or so to realise that this niche movement of, say 1000 producers globally, are all making bad wines. Besides, most of your friends are of the same opinion. So you are definitely in the right.

I certainly understand how upsetting these fairs must be for you. All those bad wines! So many of them! I know you haven’t been to any, and I strongly recommend that you don’t bother. It would distress you greatly to see so many young people attending, and enjoying the wines. After all, a few years ago you predicted that natural wine was on the way out. Just a fad.

And, now, these faulty, despicable wines made by fraudsters who have no knowledge of proper winemaking, are more popular than ever. It sickens me to think of so many people having fun drinking wines that you and I don’t like, and don’t approve of.

I know how alarming this is. People who simply don’t get that these wines aren’t proper. I’ve seen your blood pressure rise when you’ve visited the cellar of a producer who you considered sound, only to see a concrete egg or an amphora or two hiding in the corner, and then they start telling you about a skin-contact white that they’ve made. All this corrupt winemaking must be stopped!

You must promise me that you’ll keep on writing these articles telling the world about how bad natural wine is, and how it’s wrong for people to like wines that you don’t approve of. I’m here to support you. It’s all going to be OK.

11 comments to So you don’t like natural wine? I sense your pain, and I am here for you

  • It’s a ‘fashion’ said one well-known writer last week.
    Just been going for 30-40 years, expanding globally in production and sales and with a healthy age-profile which means its future is secure.
    Fun article, well said.

  • Richard

    ‘There are two kinds of music. Good music, and the other kind.’

    Duke Ellington.

  • All these young people having a great time drinking wine are not going to grow up and start drinking St Emilion GCC, Pauillac and Vosne. Who is going to buy the fane wane in the future aside from a few Russian collectors?

    Natural wine has made wine popular in a new way. Young people, bars, simple food, excitement and diversity. And it is not a movement which excludes women, as the stuffy world of fane wane sometimes can.

    That it is misunderstood by stuffy people is hardly a surprise. Like Robert Parker, their influence might be on the wane? I grew up on the classics, but boy has wine become exciting. I’m happy there are people with open minds to tell us all about it.

    Just off to The Vaults to taste a load of cider!!!

  • Bob Parsons Alberta

    David, when I first saw this piece..I thought of you!!

  • BUT WHAT DO WE DO IF WE GO THREE OR FOUR DAYS WITHOUT SOMEONE’S HOT TAKE ON NATURAL WINE?!?

  • Damien

    We learn how to hit the Caps Lock button Kurtis?
    PS: is HOT TAKE a new kind of mushroom?

  • But that concrete egg was giving me the side eye. You say him, right?

  • Bob Parsons Alberta

    Piece of writing starting to show up on US forums..swords are being drawn!

  • Bob Rossi

    You could also turn this piece around. All those “natural wine” fans being upset that people drink other kinds of wines, and being unable to differentiate between small-producer well-made delicious wines and industrial plonk.

  • Lee Newby

    I guess the first 4000-5000 years of wine making were all wrong, Pliny the Elder would be rolling in his grave if he wasn’t cooked by an eruption of Mt. Vesuvius while sipping a 100 year old natural wine…..

  • Hmmm, interesting. Maybe this year in the corner of my cellar I’ll hide a tank of proper wine and mix in a whole load of chemicals and miscellaneaous substances 🙂

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