TARS: <\/strong>Absolute honesty isn’t always the most diplomatic nor the safest\nform of communication with emotional beings.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThis\namusing interchange has got me thinking about truth. Is anyone always truthful?\nWould we tolerate 10% non-truthfulness in our business partners or lovers? Is\nTARS correct?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back\nin January 2020 I tried online dating for the first time. I\u2019d never done it\nbefore, and I was curious. On the profiles I saw, I noticed one requirement\nthat kept cropping up time after time: everyone was looking for someone who was\nhonest. They wanted the truth. [As an aside, the online dating experience was\nvery interesting, but unsuccessful. The psychology of this sort of dating is\nutterly fascinating, but this is another story.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You\ncan\u2019t read another\u2019s mind; you only know what they are thinking and feeling\nfrom a combination of their words, and also their facial and bodily cues\n(something we are actually more skilled at interpreting than we realise, which\nleads to problems of dissonance when people aren\u2019t being truthful – you don\u2019t\nneed a polygraph to spot a lie: a trained investigator can pick it up more\neasily than we\u2019d like to think.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of\ncourse, this is in the context of inter-personal relationships, but it also\napplies professionally. If you read my writing, you want to read my honestly\nheld opinions. You make the assumption that when I state something, I\u2019m not\nbeing dishonest. You can also rightly expect that I should make explicit any\npotential conflicts of interest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But\nis it easy to parse out various bits of communication as either truth or lie?\nThis binary division doesn\u2019t work so well in real life. How much of our\nperception is externally derived versus that which is internally created? And\nthere are several ways to tell a story without lying, but each of which can\ncreate quite different impressions to the listener. Factual accounts of an event\ncan all be truthful, yet can paint different pictures of it. So here we run\ninto our first problem, and it makes this discussion about truth more complicated,\nbut not impossible. We can have degrees of truth; degrees of disclosure. How we\nchoose to package the truth can itself be part of the discussion about honesty.\nDishonesty doesn\u2019t require a lie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But\nthere are many cases where lying is straightforward: a deliberate attempt to\ndeceive. A lie may seem to save you, but it rarely does. And when it is\nuncovered, there is a massive erosion of trust. The lie will bring a temporary\nreprieve \u2013 maybe a permanent reprieve \u2013 from the consequences of an action. But\nit casts a shadow forward. Once you have lied you may need to maintain that lie\nwith a whole new family of lies, each of which will in turn need their own\nmaintenance. If you forget exactly how you lied and change the story, there\u2019s a\nchance this will be picked up, with erosion of trust a consequence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some\npeople are habitual liars. As a result, they become dishonest to the core.\nTheir life is a series of dishonesties and they aren\u2019t honest with themselves.\nLies breed lies and eventually corrode the core of a person. Truth is not at\nhome anymore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some\npeople are more-or-less honest, but in some contexts lie. They may even lie\nwith good intentions. And they might not even realize they are lying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some of this low-level deceit (which often isn\u2019t recognized as such) is utterly pointless, too. One example that used to irritate me more than it should have was a friend who lived some distance away and always<\/em> used to underestimate journey times, as if it made it better when they said they were half an hour away rather than 50 minutes. And then there\u2019s the classic, what time will you be home? Does it really make it better to say 10.30 when really it\u2019s not going to be before 11.30? [I know: I have done this before.] Or: are you going out tonight? Yes, but I think I might cancel (when there was never any intention to cancel, but expressing doubt about fulfilling the engagement somehow makes it better to the other party). In almost every situation, being honest is better, and these faint deceits are perhaps prompted by hidden guilt that shouldn\u2019t be there in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\nOne of the most insidious forms of dishonesty is the failure to disclose information that a reasonable observer might have expected to be disclosed. This is insidious because it doesn\u2019t involve an active lie, so the deceit feels easier to justify. As a result, his sort of dishonesty can seep more easily into an otherwise sound business relationship or friendship. If discovered later, it creates distrust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Perhaps\nthe main ethical issue with lying is that it is theft. You are stealing someone\nelse\u2019s right to the truth, in addition to any damage the lie can cause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is\nhonesty always the right approach? Not in the case of illegitimate requests for\ninformation. People sometimes ask questions without realizing quite what they\nare asking. Our boys were adopted, and sometimes people who didn\u2019t know us well\nwould ask why. This is incredibly personal information, and without realizing they\nhad asked an illegitimate question, requesting something they had no right to.\nSo we gently had to decline to answer, recognizing that the questioner probably\ndidn\u2019t realise what they were asking for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes\na demand for honesty can be the result of the demander\u2019s personal insecurity.\nThey may fear that something they dread is true, and in a strange way want\ntheir worst fears to be realized sooner rather than later. This prompts endless\nquestioning, but it\u2019s driven by distrust and insecurity, and is toxic because\nthe insecure person is projecting something onto the third party.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Flattery is a form of lying. Some people fall for it, and that is exploited by dishonest people who want to manipulate or manage others. But if you are at all perceptive, it feels horrible to be on the end of it. It\u2019s someone saying something \u2018nice\u2019 to you that leaves you feeling slimy, because it wasn\u2019t honest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What about \u2018white\u2019 lies? Does the benign falsehood exist? How do you justify being untruthful on occasion? The way I would approach this is to say that sometimes when someone asks a question, they aren\u2019t necessarily seeking an answer. They are asking for an answer, but the answer isn’t the important bit of the communication. This isn\u2019t the \u2018have you ever cheated on me?\u2019 sort of question \u2013 more the \u2018what do you think of this new shirt?\u2019, or \u2018how did you like the book I bought you?\u2019 Sometimes what lies behind a question is a desire for reassurance. It\u2019s a plea for a stroke. A ‘bid’ for a response. Sometimes it is not your honestly held opinion that is being asked for; the need is for a positive connection. We have to go beyond the question and try to discern what the other person is really seeking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back\nto truth. To focus on lies and their power to erode trust would be to forget\nthe power of truth to build trust. Ultimately, being fully truthful and open\nbuilds trust. If we are guarded and have too many private areas, which\ninevitably are fenced in lies to keep others out, then it\u2019s hard to build\ntrust. The power of being truthful is immense. People notice if you are true,\njust as they feel if someone is habitually dishonest. There\u2019s a purity to true\npeople, and also a vulnerability, because they can be damaged by those who aren\u2019t\nvery true. Being true feels risky, but it opens the way to very deep\nrelationships, and there\u2019s a beauty in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So\nwhat about TARS\u2019 truth settings? 90% might be good for some people, and having\nthat 10% wiggle room can certainly be useful in navigating the world and\ngetting ahead. But it\u2019s limiting the possibility of a really deep relationship,\nbecause this 10% will eventually eat away at trust. Two people who are 90%\ntruthful can negotiate a passable level of trust and keep things ticking over\nfor a while, but too many doors and windows are being left open here, and\neventually there will be a break-in, and things will be stolen that should have\nbeen kept safe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because of the nature of being human, we can never make a fully binary distinction between truth and lies. And we can\u2019t hope for absolute certainty, or absolute honesty. But what we can do is choose to side with truth, and to try to be brave enough to live honestly and openly, and our best attempt at this is likely to be good enough and close enough that we will reap a positive harvest in our relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Reminder: this blog is irregularly updated, but there are daily updates on the main wineanorak site<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I think it was Nicolas Joly who once said, before a wine can be good it must be true. I like this sentiment. We want honesty in wine: I don’t…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":24585,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24583","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24583","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24583"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24583\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24610,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24583\/revisions\/24610"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/24585"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24583"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24583"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wineanorak.com:\/wineblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24583"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}